Journals
by Lady-Water2
Summary: I hate sitting here, listing to my angel scream in pain. There is nothing I can do for her. All I can do is sit here and hold her hand, and even that does nothing for her. I’ve gone back to writing in this journal, something I had packed away fifty years
1. Edward January18

Edward

January 18

I hate sitting here, listing to my angel scream in pain. There is nothing I can do for her. All I can do is sit here and hold her hand, and even that does nothing for her. I've gone back to writing in this journal, something I had packed away fifty years ago. Her pain rips through my soul as I sit here writing.

It was strange that Bella became a vampire not by my hand, or Carlisle, or Alice, but by the one person in our family who was so distant from my angel. It had been Rosalie who had done it, in an act of desperation. I've relieved the scene in her head a thousand times, and she is riddled with strange emotions.

Even now she is thinking about it.

"How is it that I can turn the wife of my brother, but when danger and death were closer, I could not even change my own husband? What is it about Bella that makes us do things we normally would not do? I know your listing, Edward, now stop." Her thought echo in my head, and I write them down word for word as she says them.

I'm glad that Rosalie was there though for Bella. If not, I might have come home to find my angel dead on the stairs. It was a strange strand of the flu, that she had contracted from someone in Forks, that had made my Bella so sick. It had been going on for days, becoming violently sick, and as she says, "worshiping the porcelain god."

If not for Rosalie volunteering to stay behind with Bella she may have died. The rest of us had been in desperate need of a hunting trip, and it had looked like Bella was getting better that day. Most of the family was going to go further north and get away from Forks for bigger game, and Carlisle and myself were going to hunt around Forks. We were going to relieve Rosalie after about a day, so she could go and join the others.

Bella just let out a scream so loud that the glass in the windows rattled. I must stop and go hold her hand again. She is crying my name out, over and over again.

I am back. Bella finally calmed down some. She is still asleep, the last sleep she'll ever have. Alice is sitting beside her right now, holding her hand. It hurts so much to know that we still have two days worth of this before facing the even bigger problem. What will Bella be like as a newborn?

"I've done this to her. I'm the reason she's up there screaming, and I don't even have the heart to go up there and face her. I think I'm going to leave and join Jasper in Alaska. Stop listing, Edward, or you'll regret it." Her words float through my mind again, and I stop listing. I know how well Rosalie, or anyone in the family, can make me regret reading their thoughts.

I'm glade someone was there for Bella, when the sickness came back stronger than ever. She had been going up the stairs to our room, clutching the railing for dear life. She mumbled something before erupting into a coughing fit. That was what had brought Rosalie to her side, she had been observing from upstairs, making sure Bella didn't fall on the stairs.

The sickness had its grip on Bella then, and everything had started going so fast from then on. Alice had seen a vision of what was going to happen. Death was knocking on the door as Bella collapsed on the stairs. I had gotten a call, telling me I had to get back to the house.

I had torn Carlisle away from his kill and started dragging him back to the house. We had ran into the house, slightly covered in blood, to see Rosalie and Bella on the stairs. It had looked like Rosalie would have been crying if she could have.

A cry of pain broke from me when I saw Rosalie slicing into my angel's wrist. I had rushed over to them, gathering Bella in my arms, while Carlisle held Rosalie. She had bitten Bella three times, the neck, and both wrist. There was nothing more we could do, just sit and wait.

I can write no more tonight. My angel is screaming and thrashing around in agony. I must go to her now and hold her. Writing in this is not helping her. Nothing we are doing in helping her. Alice can not stand to see her in this pain, it is killing her to sit by her side and watch Bella be like this. What have we done?


	2. Rosalie January 18

Rosalie

January 18

It is almost midnight, its been six hours since I bit Bella. The rest of the family came home surprisingly fast, well not Jasper. I can't believe that I did that to her. Bitting her. Bitting her when I could not do it to the man that would become my husband. What is it about this girl that makes us all do things we normally would not do?

I can't stop thinking about what happened. Bella was coming up from the kitchen, and I was up on the floor above her, making sure she didn't trip on the stairs. She was very sick. I heard it in her blood, her heart struggling to pump the blood through her system. It was her coughing fit that made me go to her. It had shaken her small frame, making her stop and stair down at the stairs, coughing and coughing.

I had gone to her side and held her, rubbing her back. She wasn't able to get in enough air, panic was starting to set into her eyes. Those large brown eyes had focused on me, pleading me with me.

"Rosalie." She had managed to gasp, collapsing onto me. That was when I knew that she wouldn't make it until someone else got home. Death was knocking on her door at that moment.

I had acted without thinking. I had moved her hair away from her neck, muttering that I was sorry. My teeth sliced through her flesh, the venom pushing into her system. She had shuddered, unable to do much else. I had pulled away from her neck and gone to her right wrist. I did the same thing. It was as my teeth sliced through her left wrist that Edward ran into the house, pulling Carlisle along with him.

I released Bella and went to Carlisle while Edward held Bella to him. It was so hard to watch him sitting there with her. This was before the screaming and crying started. She was too far gone at that point, the venom was just running through her. I knew, though, that soon she would be screaming and thrashing.

As soon as everything started to sink in I ran up to my room, locking the door behind me. I threw myself down onto the couch, pulling the blanket kept on the back over my shaking body. Edward and Carlisle were tending to Bella, moving her into Edward's room.

As I sit here writing this Bella has just let out another one of her screams. I think I should go and wait with Jasper. Being here is so hard. It would be so much easier if I didn't hear her blood curdling screams. I know that Edward can hear my thoughts, and I know he hates me for thinking it.

Emmett is sitting on the couch, picking at the blanket, just waiting. I know he can't wait to actually get to interact with Bella, but why I do not know. He has this strange obsession with getting to wrestle with Bella. She has always been so breakable, and in just a few short days she will be stronger than him. I think he just wants to test her strength.

I can not help but think about Emmett and his run in with that bear all those years ago. I could have let the bear kill him, that's what the stupid idiot gets for antagonizing it, but I hadn't. I had carried him all the way back to Carlisle. I don't know why I did it, acting on instinct.

I can't say that I wouldn't have stopped and bitten him eventually if I knew he wouldn't have made it to Carlisle. I don't know myself well enough to know that I would have saved Emmett no matter what it required of me. I might have done it. I might have know that this man was the one for me and I might have done it.

Is that why I bit Bella? Because I know she was made for Edward. That without her he would do something drastic and our family would be ripped apart. That Edward would have killed me if I had let his precious Bella die. These thoughts confuse me, and I know that it must be troubling Edward to hear them. I will stop now. I shall give my troubled mind a rest, and Edward's as well. He has enough to deal with, he doesn't need my rumblings inside his head as well.


	3. Jasper January 18

Jasper

January 18

I am sitting here in the darkness, no need to turn the lights on, writing. I let my Alice go on back with the rest of the family. I hadn't been able to do it. It would have been too hard, on everybody. I had gotten within a mile of the house and had to stop. Bella's pain had been so bad. I had almost collapsed when a terrible spasm rocked her body.

"Honey, go back north." Alice had said, standing beside me, one hand rubbing circles on my back.

I had looked into her light topaz eyes, seeing the understanding there. I knew that they would not hold it against me if I could not be in the house as Bella underwent the terrible change. It was something that actually hurt me. Edward wouldn't want me there, my mind would be going back to the war.

Even as I stood there with Alice in the woods I was thinking about the newborn armies I had helped create. The screams as several went through the change. Feeling their agony. All the confusion that comes along with it. Edward wouldn't want me there, I was no use at the house.

"Thank you, Alice. I'll be in Alaska." I had whispered, stroking her short hair.

She leaned in and kissed me, standing on her tip toes.

We went in different directions. I went back north and Alice went to catch up with the rest of the family going south towards Forks. I hate being away from Alice. It makes me feel alone in the world. Her bright personality is not here to lighten my mood, to bring me back from the thoughts that threaten to overtake me.

The family here in Alaska tires to easy my suffering, thinking only of happy things. It doesn't help though, only Alice can chase away the darkness that forms in my mind. I can not stay here.

I need to go back to Forks. I'll take my time. I'll move slowly. Try and get there on the last day of her change. I just can not stay here. I need my Alice. That's why I'm going back. She'll bring some light into the darkness that is taking over, even though we have been apart for less than a day, a few hours in fact.

I will go and make my goodbyes to Tanya and her family. I'll go back to Forks, and hunt again on the way. It would not do well to not be on top of my game. It is like I am going to war, almost the same emotions are building up inside my chest. It is that anticipation of what is going to happen.

I find myself thinking about what Bella will be like as a newborn. Edward has so much faith in her, that she will not do any harm, and yet there is doubt there. Could it be that he will be like Carlisle and never kill a human, something that amazes me. I don't think so. I think she will struggle with the thirst that controls the newborns.

I am ashamed to admit that I almost want her to struggle. I don't want to be the weakest in the house. It would be a sick victory if she would kill a few people. If Edward was here right now I would be pinned to a wall with a very angry vampire in my face. He does not approve of the thoughts I have on this subject. The bet I made with Emmett almost set him over the edge one day.

Emmett thinks she might kill one person and be good. I bet against him. I remember the comment Bella made when she found out about the bet, maybe she will thrown in a few extra murders so that I win. I disgust even myself as I think about it. I must find something else to keep my mind busy.

I think I shall go ahead and go back to Forks. It would be easier. I shall think only of hunting as I make my way back to Alice, and of course I will think of her. That should keep my thoughts pure. Such troubles lay before us. A year of suffering laid out before us. What are we to do? How are we to help Bella Cullen?


	4. Esme January 19

Esme

January 19

My heart is breaking to know that Bella is in such pain. It is the mother in me that wants to run up there and hold her to my chest, whispering soothing words into her ear. Yet, I do not go because I know that right now Edward needs to be with her. He chased Alice out of the room early this morning. He said he needed to be alone with her.

I understand. When Carlisle changed me Edward left for the last two days. He says he went off to hunt so he could help Carlisle, but I think he knew that it is a very personal thing, the turning of someone. Edward just wants to hold Bella and tell her everything will be alright, that soon nothing will ever tear them apart.

How fitting it should be that today, the second day of her transformation, that the wedding pictures came in. I picked them up from the post office early this morning, needing to get out of the house. Bella can not enjoy looking at them now.

I sat in the car looking at them before coming home. They are done beautifully, the pictures always are. It made some happiness come into my heart to see the smiling, human Bella in the pictures. She had hated sitting down for the pictures, and that's why some of the best are the ones that she doesn't know were taken.

Alice bribed the camera man to take pictures as they went through the night. There is a picture of their first dance as man and wife, and then pictures as she danced with everyone in the family. The picture of them cutting the cake is beautifully done.

The best picture I think is one that is quite silly. Bella and Edward both standing there with cake around their lips, both laughing and smiling. Edward had insisted on making her eat cake, and had given her the first bite. In return, or payback as I believe she called it, she had smashed a slice of cake into his mouth. They had laughed along with the rest of the reception. I don't think either of them want this photo, but it is already framed in my bedroom, sitting on the table that I write at.

I can't help but laugh at the thought of Edward having to throw up his own wedding cake later on that night. We all had to go and throw up wedding cake that night. Alice had insisted that we all just eat a bite, and Emmett decided he would test himself and see just how much he could eat. We had all laughed at him as he leaned over the toilet, puking up the cake.

Bella has just let out a soul slicing scream. I shut my eyes to try and keep the sound out. I want to run in there and hold her, but I can't. It wouldn't be right of me. Edward can take care of her, though there is nothing we can do right now. I just have to think that soon she will be fine, and that she will be part of the family forever, in so many ways.

I must go now. I can take it no longer. I must get out of the house, if just for an hour. I'm going to go and wonder through the woods surrounding the house, try and clear my thoughts. Perhaps I shall go and climb a tree.


	5. Edward January 19

Edward

January 19

Esme brought the wedding photos up earlier today before going out. I think she said something about trying not to fall out of a tree. I don't know, my attention was focused on Bella. My sweet Bella. My angel.

Her screams have stopped, she's been silent for the past few hours. I think she's starting to wake up, but the change is not over with. She keeps muttering about the fire. All I can do is take a deep breath and send my prayers to heaven that she isn't screaming any longer. Every scream had been a slash into my heart.

I think my angel is awake.

She's asleep again. She woke up for a few hours, putting up a brave face . She sat up, leaning against my body. The first thing she saw when she woke up was the wedding picture sitting on the table. I brought it over to her, letting her hold it in her trembling hands.

She started crying, the last time she'll ever cry, over the picture. She ran her trembling fingers over the brushed silver frame Esme had picked out. There was no need to tell her where that picture frame had come from, or how much it had cost, she might have a heart attack.

"Edward," she murmured, clutching my shirt.

"Yes, love."

"I'm..." she took a deep shuddering breath. "Going to be sick." She finished, pressing a hand to her mouth.

I carried my love into the bathroom, holding her hair back. I didn't expect to see what I saw. Not only did food come up from her but blood. The scent hit me in the face, and I quickly flushed the toilet. She dry sobbed, collapsing against my body.

I carried her back to bed, laying her under the covers of our bed. She clutched at the fabric, closing her eyes as a spasm ran through her body. I ran my hands through her hair, humming her lullaby. I sat there watching her eyes stay close, and her breathing even out slightly. She was claimed once again by the painful sleep.

I sit here, my eyes keep dancing to the wedding photo of us. I can't help but smile at it. My angel standing there beside me in her white dress. She was so happy when we took that particular picture, we had just been pronounced man and wife.

The afternoon sun, something not often seen here in Forks, is streaming in through the window. My skin reflects the light, and I see that Bella's is trying to do the same. The sun is bouncing off her pale skin, and being thrown into a thousand rainbows. It's not like mine, its weaker, but I know that it will soon be like my own.

I must go back to my angel's side again. She is starting to toss and turn in her uneasy sleep. She mutters my name, calling for me to come back to her side. Who am I to refuse someone like her? I must answer her request and go to her side. It will calm her.


End file.
